The Marriage Box

I've been mulling over a topic for some time about relationships and feel it's finally time to get it down on paper (so to speak).  There's a quote that I came across awhile back about the Marriage Box that I find myself being reminded of all the time.  

"Most people get married in the belief that marriage is this beautiful box full of things they have longed for; companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in  before you can take anything out.  There is no love in marriage.  Love is in people.  And people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage.  You have to infuse it into your marriage.  A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving and praising to keep the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty."

I feel like this topic has particularly great timing due to the fact that Valentines Day is next week and we all could use a reminder the one day does NOT make up for the rest.  Inevitably every relationship goes through a period of time where one person is taking more from the box than the other.  It could be for good reason, maybe one person it struggling with whatever personal drama they may have, and genuinely need support from their partner.  Or, in a different case, one person may begin to take the other for granted.  I can think of different instances throughout my own marriage where both of those situations have taken place.  Usually when this happens, one person ends up hurt and feeling unappreciated while the other is frustrated because they have nothing more to offer to help.  It's times like those, that I have to remind myself (and my husband) that we inadvertently took too much from the "box".  Now of course I don't ACTUALLY use the word "box" when I'm speaking to Tony, he probably would scoff at me and pretend that he has no idea what I'm talking about.  (even though he totally knows all about it!)  Lately I have been undergoing my own personal "drama", if you will, and my very supportive husband has been there for me every step of the way.  But once I've finally recovered from whatever my issue is, I remind myself that I need to give back to the "box".  It doesn't take much, I'm not saying I'm going to be going out and buying him a new toy of some sort, but cleaning up around the house a bit more, or doing his laundry and putting it away for him usually does the trick.  It's not always easy though.  There are many times that I get a little too used to coming home to a clean house and having someone who will listen to me for hours on end about the stupid crap I deal with at work.  I hate to say that more often than not I don't realize how much of a leech I've been until it's too late and he's upset with me.  Thankfully, I have the kind of husband that forgives easy and forgets quickly.   But not everyone is like that.  The point of bringing up this "box"  is to remind us that we get what we put into a relationship.   If all we ever do is take advantage of one another or lie to each other or just never say thank you to each other, how can we ever expect to get that same treatment back?  

This doesn't just apply to marriage.  This applies to friendships, relationships between family members or coworkers.  The way I try to think of it is like this: every person in my life has a box.  Each person contributes what they want and the relationship is built from the contents.  Many times I get frustrated about friendships gone wrong and then realize that I may not have been the best friend to that person either.  Relationships are two way streets people say.  But I really have never understood that phrase.  Why would a relationship be going in two different directions?  How is that supposed to ever work if neither of you are willing to budge on the direction?  So I think that relationships are two LANE streets.  Each in a different lane, but moving throughout life in the same direction.  When someone decides to change directions, the relationship tends to end. Or at least it gets re-routed for a bit.  

Recently I finished a book about a woman that got a concussion and woke up thinking it was ten years earlier.  She had absolutely no recollection of the events of the last ten years.  She couldn't remember her children, her friends, the events in her family, she didn't even know she was actually in the midst of a nasty divorce from the husband that she adored ten years previously.  It got me thinking of who I was ten years ago and what I would think of my life now.  Would I be happy? Would I be disappointed? Shocked?  I think that if I had woken up thinking I was 14 again, I definitely would have a bit more confidence than my skinny, tiny chested, acne faced, and braced teeth self.  haha!  But back to my point, I think that I would have been amazed at how happy and lucky I would become and so THANKFUL that I ended up with a man that truly loves me in all that he does.  I absolutely loved that book (What Alice Forgot in case anyone wants to read it) and I believe that like many other things I've read, it will stay with me and remind me to cherish the many amazing things in my life.  To tie the book back to my original topic, eventually Alice remembers who she is now and all the events from the last ten years.  As it comes to a close, she begins to realize from her 29 year old self to her 39 year old self that all the mistakes that her husband made which caused her to hate the very site of him, all had a different side to them.  She realized that for every football game, ballet recital, or Friday night dinner that he missed, that there was an icy morning to follow, a scene to be made about his flaws in front of the kids, and an attitude that nothing was ever good enough for her.  He would make little effort, so she would as well. Then when one tried to be better, the other missed it.  If they had remembered to actually TALK to each other they might not have been going through a divorce...

All of this is to say, that life isn't perfect.  Marriage isn't a fairytale.  No one deserves anything out of a relationship.  But you can have a GREAT imperfect life.  You can make your own fairytale by doing things that you know the other person enjoys and they will be more happy to reciprocate in kind.  And you can appreciate the good things in your relationships more when you put in what you want to see out of it.  I guess I should put a disclosure in here somewhere; not everyone thinks like this.  Not everyone comprehends these points.  So before you go running off to your husband, washing his car, making a nice dinner, buying him the new toy he wants and expect to see the same things back....remember to share the theory with him beforehand.  Don't put unrealistic expectations on someone before you give them the chance to get on board.  Remember that it takes two.  All parties have to be in, and if they are, you'll find a way to make your own fairytale. <3

I hope everyone has a Happy Valentines Day!  But like Tony always tells me, yes it's nice to do lovely things on Valentines Day, but it's even more nice to see those things just on any random day in the week because it's unexpected. 

Quote for the day:

For Tony -

 "Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite" <3