Homesickness & Heartache
I find myself feeling homesick. You may be thinking, "seriously? you just moved back home?!" But I am beginning to realize that homesickness isn't always for a place. It could be for people, or things, or feelings. In my case, it's all those things.
I left Idaho six years ago with a dreamy vision of white sandy beaches, toes in the sand, and cocktails in hand. I was so ready to leave the small town feel of little ol Boise Idaho and move on to bigger and better things! Little did I know that I was about to be immersed in an even smaller town and be overcome with culture shock. I left behind everything I knew to start over in a place that I had never even been before. I had never even been further east than Utah at that point in my life! It took me quite awhile to settle into the beach life of Panama City, Florida. But by happenstance, or fate, I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Once I got my feet under me and learned that I couldn't just sit by and magically have a community again, I set out to meet new people and kept an open mind to let them in. The people I met in those four years living in Panama City became not only my friends, but my family. I became a part of a mommy group that was so close knit and supportive that I was distraught to have to leave them. Who was I going to ask for advice when the baby has been teething or who would meet me in the middle of the day to get a break from the monotony that is sometimes motherhood? From neighbors who were like parents and siblings, to work friends who became my sounding board, to a chance meeting at the dog park who I literally still call "my person"; these were my people now. They were the people I shared holidays with, major life changes, and who I called when I needed help.
The home that we lived in, even though it was a rental, became my HOME. It was the place I never wanted to leave. My safe place. The place I could come into and feel myself relax. It was a thing, but I became attached to it.
Leaving Florida was more difficult that I realized it would be. There were so many things I complained about living there, and again, when it was time to go, I was eager to move onto bigger and better things! To a bigger city with more to do and more people to be around! But when it came down to it, my heart hurt to have to leave my family behind. To leave the home that we brought our son home to. To leave the community that I worked so hard to create. But alas, I knew it was time to go. We yearned to be closer to family. I would say "real" family but that doesn't sit well with me because my Floridians are real family. I guess I mean biological family. Basically the kind that you don't feel guilty calling to watch your kid when you need. ;) But more so, we wanted to have family to depend on. Again, little did we know that there really is no difference in biological family and family that you create. Either way, they're the people you trust.
We arrived in Hendersonville, Tennessee fresh out of the military life and thrust into another new world. Again, I had never really been to Tennessee-with the exception of a three day visit, and we had to begin again. The culture shock wasn't as bad that time being in the south still, and we had become a little more adaptable since the last move. But again, we had to create a new network of people aside from the family we did have there. New jobs, new daycare, new grocery stores, doctors, etc, etc, etc. Fast forward to ANOTHER move, although locally, still a move with all the things that go with it. Murfreesboro was where we settled. It was where we bought [another] our home and brought a second child into the family. This was where my community began. I had learned from our previous moves to get going with the network building. So I set out to meet mom friends and kids for Tucker to play with and stalked all the neighbors! I joke about the stalking, but seriously, we basically did stalk people. lol! And from that, I created another mommy group that will forever be a part of my tribe. After my Florida mommy friends I really didn't think it was possible to have another close knit group again, but I was wrong! It blows me away that out of such random meetings at the park or bumps into each other while out for a walk can be the foundation for such meaningful relationships. These women became my family again! The ones who talked me through the scary parts of labor and gave me the confidence to deliver Olivia the way I wanted, the ones who listened and helped treat me when I struggled with Postpartum Depression, the ones who just came over in the middle of the day to have a glass of wine with me because it was just one of those days.
The home we lived in and worked on was another love of mine. It was another safe space that I just truly felt comfortable in and the home that we brought our second baby home to. Tony thinks I'm silly to get attached to such materialistic things. Maybe it's the Y chromosome in him, or the wandering spirit he has, I'm not sure. But it's not the thing itself I get attached to. It's the comfort I feel and memories I have that I have a hard time letting go of.
Leaving Tennessee was even more difficult than leaving Florida. Which is very surprising to me because I was going "home" and we hadn't even been in Tennessee very long [2 years]. I don't think I truly had time to prepare for it which could be why I'm struggling so hard with it now. This move was very quick, very intense, and very disorganized. We couldn't sell our beautiful home in time to get settled in here before the craziness of the holidays set in and ended up renting it out. We spent a month in temporary housing in an apartment and Tony has still yet to be home for longer than a full weekend at this point. Aside from all of that craziness, I didn't absorb or prepare for the fact that I would be starting all over here again. I am not the person I once was 6 years ago. This town is not the same as it was and even my family have changed! So although this is "home", it's also not. Not yet. I am thankful that through it all I have attained the skills to begin again. Things are starting to settle down and I'm beginning the groundwork for a new network. But today, I am homesick. I am exhausted. I long for the days of comfort and routine and get-togethers with friends and family. I know it will all happen eventually and that motivates me everyday, but I miss my people from all over. Especially my people in Florida.
In light of recent events with Hurricane Michael, I have an overpowering feeling of heartache. I feel guilty for struggling with the things I am because I know they are struggling more. I hate that I can't be there to help them in person, or in Tennessee to offer a home to put people up in. Or to be able to drive down and help with the clean up and bring supplies. My heartache isn't just because I used to live there and I'm sad that such an awful thing has happened to them. It's because they are my family and I can't help them. One of the worst things that could happen to a community has happened to them and I am across the country scanning Facebook and news sources for any scrap of information that I can get to help them. I may be struggling with homesickness and I may feel like I have so many crazy things happening in my world, but none of it compares to what they are going through right now. The only thing I know how to do to help is to donate and encourage others to do so as well. Friends. If you took the time to read this entirely too long story about my homesickness, I know that you really must care for me and I ask that you to help me help them. In any way that you can. It would truly help me, but more importantly, it will help them.
I know everyone is going through something at some point or another. I guess the point of this whole post is that no matter what is happening in your life, it could always be worse. I am so thankful for my life experiences and the people that I've met. It has been a struggle for me lately with all the moving and the starting over and I think it's ok to feel sad or homesick at times. But through it all I have been very fortunate. My heart will continue to ache for the people of Panama City. I will continue to offer as much help as I can and I pray that others will feel compelled to help them rebuild as well.
xo,
Lace
I left Idaho six years ago with a dreamy vision of white sandy beaches, toes in the sand, and cocktails in hand. I was so ready to leave the small town feel of little ol Boise Idaho and move on to bigger and better things! Little did I know that I was about to be immersed in an even smaller town and be overcome with culture shock. I left behind everything I knew to start over in a place that I had never even been before. I had never even been further east than Utah at that point in my life! It took me quite awhile to settle into the beach life of Panama City, Florida. But by happenstance, or fate, I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Once I got my feet under me and learned that I couldn't just sit by and magically have a community again, I set out to meet new people and kept an open mind to let them in. The people I met in those four years living in Panama City became not only my friends, but my family. I became a part of a mommy group that was so close knit and supportive that I was distraught to have to leave them. Who was I going to ask for advice when the baby has been teething or who would meet me in the middle of the day to get a break from the monotony that is sometimes motherhood? From neighbors who were like parents and siblings, to work friends who became my sounding board, to a chance meeting at the dog park who I literally still call "my person"; these were my people now. They were the people I shared holidays with, major life changes, and who I called when I needed help.
The home that we lived in, even though it was a rental, became my HOME. It was the place I never wanted to leave. My safe place. The place I could come into and feel myself relax. It was a thing, but I became attached to it.
Leaving Florida was more difficult that I realized it would be. There were so many things I complained about living there, and again, when it was time to go, I was eager to move onto bigger and better things! To a bigger city with more to do and more people to be around! But when it came down to it, my heart hurt to have to leave my family behind. To leave the home that we brought our son home to. To leave the community that I worked so hard to create. But alas, I knew it was time to go. We yearned to be closer to family. I would say "real" family but that doesn't sit well with me because my Floridians are real family. I guess I mean biological family. Basically the kind that you don't feel guilty calling to watch your kid when you need. ;) But more so, we wanted to have family to depend on. Again, little did we know that there really is no difference in biological family and family that you create. Either way, they're the people you trust.
We arrived in Hendersonville, Tennessee fresh out of the military life and thrust into another new world. Again, I had never really been to Tennessee-with the exception of a three day visit, and we had to begin again. The culture shock wasn't as bad that time being in the south still, and we had become a little more adaptable since the last move. But again, we had to create a new network of people aside from the family we did have there. New jobs, new daycare, new grocery stores, doctors, etc, etc, etc. Fast forward to ANOTHER move, although locally, still a move with all the things that go with it. Murfreesboro was where we settled. It was where we bought [another] our home and brought a second child into the family. This was where my community began. I had learned from our previous moves to get going with the network building. So I set out to meet mom friends and kids for Tucker to play with and stalked all the neighbors! I joke about the stalking, but seriously, we basically did stalk people. lol! And from that, I created another mommy group that will forever be a part of my tribe. After my Florida mommy friends I really didn't think it was possible to have another close knit group again, but I was wrong! It blows me away that out of such random meetings at the park or bumps into each other while out for a walk can be the foundation for such meaningful relationships. These women became my family again! The ones who talked me through the scary parts of labor and gave me the confidence to deliver Olivia the way I wanted, the ones who listened and helped treat me when I struggled with Postpartum Depression, the ones who just came over in the middle of the day to have a glass of wine with me because it was just one of those days.
The home we lived in and worked on was another love of mine. It was another safe space that I just truly felt comfortable in and the home that we brought our second baby home to. Tony thinks I'm silly to get attached to such materialistic things. Maybe it's the Y chromosome in him, or the wandering spirit he has, I'm not sure. But it's not the thing itself I get attached to. It's the comfort I feel and memories I have that I have a hard time letting go of.
Leaving Tennessee was even more difficult than leaving Florida. Which is very surprising to me because I was going "home" and we hadn't even been in Tennessee very long [2 years]. I don't think I truly had time to prepare for it which could be why I'm struggling so hard with it now. This move was very quick, very intense, and very disorganized. We couldn't sell our beautiful home in time to get settled in here before the craziness of the holidays set in and ended up renting it out. We spent a month in temporary housing in an apartment and Tony has still yet to be home for longer than a full weekend at this point. Aside from all of that craziness, I didn't absorb or prepare for the fact that I would be starting all over here again. I am not the person I once was 6 years ago. This town is not the same as it was and even my family have changed! So although this is "home", it's also not. Not yet. I am thankful that through it all I have attained the skills to begin again. Things are starting to settle down and I'm beginning the groundwork for a new network. But today, I am homesick. I am exhausted. I long for the days of comfort and routine and get-togethers with friends and family. I know it will all happen eventually and that motivates me everyday, but I miss my people from all over. Especially my people in Florida.
In light of recent events with Hurricane Michael, I have an overpowering feeling of heartache. I feel guilty for struggling with the things I am because I know they are struggling more. I hate that I can't be there to help them in person, or in Tennessee to offer a home to put people up in. Or to be able to drive down and help with the clean up and bring supplies. My heartache isn't just because I used to live there and I'm sad that such an awful thing has happened to them. It's because they are my family and I can't help them. One of the worst things that could happen to a community has happened to them and I am across the country scanning Facebook and news sources for any scrap of information that I can get to help them. I may be struggling with homesickness and I may feel like I have so many crazy things happening in my world, but none of it compares to what they are going through right now. The only thing I know how to do to help is to donate and encourage others to do so as well. Friends. If you took the time to read this entirely too long story about my homesickness, I know that you really must care for me and I ask that you to help me help them. In any way that you can. It would truly help me, but more importantly, it will help them.
I know everyone is going through something at some point or another. I guess the point of this whole post is that no matter what is happening in your life, it could always be worse. I am so thankful for my life experiences and the people that I've met. It has been a struggle for me lately with all the moving and the starting over and I think it's ok to feel sad or homesick at times. But through it all I have been very fortunate. My heart will continue to ache for the people of Panama City. I will continue to offer as much help as I can and I pray that others will feel compelled to help them rebuild as well.
xo,
Lace
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