Mental Toughness

When I was in high school, I had a volleyball coach who talked about mental toughness at each and every practice and game that we had.  She would say that mental toughness was the most important thing to have as an athlete.  More important than perfect skills or talent, because when the game gets tough you can very easily crumble from the inside out.  So many games we had lost that season, not because we were a bad team, but because none of us had really figured out that concept yet.  Some had more than others and it was plainly evident on the court.  When that happened it was contagious.  One girl would hone in on her mental toughness and the rest of us would feel it.  Those games were the ones we either won, or vary narrowly lost, because we put up a good fight.  It’s nothing new in the sports world of course.  You turn on ESPN any given day and hear about athletes “getting in their heads” and losing the game from the start.  But I’ve been thinking lately about how it relates to everyday life as well.

The last couple of years have been hard on everyone with the global pandemic.  I think it’s absolutely mind blowing that the entire world experienced the same heartache at the same time.  While everyone has dealt with it in many different ways and degrees, there will always be that common denominator.  Years from now, those who have lived through it will all easily recall and relate to the struggles it has caused.  For me, I was very fortunate to have been able to safely be at home with my kids and husband.  Life as a stay at home mom was already in full force so the shock of staying at home was not nearly as drastic for me.  But of course, it was not without its struggles. 

One of the things I picked up during that time was running.  Now, I have historically HATED running.  I didn’t like it in school, hated it especially during volleyball and thought of it as a punishment (note to current coaches, maybe running lines isn’t the best form of punishment for young kids), and stayed entirely away from running as a means of staying fit.  But for some reason, I decided to start running during the pandemic.  I remember feeling just utterly cooped up from being inside during the Idaho winter and feeling my nerves just always on fire.  It was like there was this humming energy always charged and ready to burst out at any given moment.  I needed a way to expel it without going somewhere or being near the family that was now constantly around me.  So I went for a run in the cold.  I didn’t run far, and I’m sure I didn’t go very fast, but at the end of it I felt good.  Like, really good.  I had never before had that feeling from running.  It was like all that pressure that was building up inside me was expelled and I was back to normal functioning. 

I got back from my run and told my husband that it felt really good to run and that I think I’m going to keep it up.  He kind of laughed and said “ok” really sarcastically.  It wasn’t unlike other times that I said “I’m going to start running and get into shape”.  But this time felt different for me.  With that, I began running 1-2 times a week fairly consistently.  Some months I would go only once or not at all, but for the most part I was running consistently.  For me, that was huge!  This is coming from someone who hated running and would steer as clear away from it as possible!  I began to think of it as my break.  My therapy. My treat.  When I felt the pressure building from a stressful week, I knew it was time to go again.

It wasn’t easy and I was definitely out of shape and would sometimes arrive back at the house feeling like garbage physically.  But something had happened to my mindset during that time.  When I started feeling my legs burning or my lungs stinging, I thought to myself, “it’s ok.  You are strong, you are capable, you can do this”.  Or when my head started to get in the way and I tried talking myself out of going I’d tell myself, “this is for you, you need this, you’ll feel better after”.  Those self-affirmations helped push me to go and helped me keep going.  Now, nearly 2 years later, I still run and it still makes me feel good.  Now, this is definitely not a story about getting fit, of course that’s a huge benefit, it’s mainly about mindset.  I took something that I absolutely hated and turned it into something I loved. 

On my run today, I thought about my mental toughness in other ways of my life.  With my anxiety, my self-doubt, and my stress levels.  If you really know me, you know that I’m a high-strung person.  I like things a certain way, I have struggled with chronic anxiety, and I doubt my decisions A LOT.  It has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and it has gotten to a tipping point plenty of times. 

Last year was one of those points.  We were living in Idaho near my family in a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood.  We were (and still are) very fortunate.  I knew it then, I know it now, and I’m so grateful.  But something was just not right.  I was miserable.  Every day I woke up with a dark cloud over my head with anxiety and stress and depression.  From the outside looking in you wouldn’t be able to understand why.  But like with anything else, things can look shiny and happy on the outside, but be crumbling inside.  Something had to change.  For us, it was a cross-country move.  It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my entire life.  I was having daily panic attacks about it, going back and forth about whether or not I was making the right decision.  It was awful.  Through it all, I felt something pulling me, telling me that I was being called to go and I needed to go.  Every logical argument I had couldn’t diminish the major pulling that was happening.  To this day, I’m still not sure how I pulled myself together to do it.  I think it goes back to the concept of mental toughness.  Against all logic and pain, I told myself that it was where I needed to be.  I needed it for myself, for my marriage, for my kids, and even for the family I was leaving behind. 

Now I’m not saying that was the fix.  It wasn’t.  I still struggle with all the same things that I did before, but I have a new frame around it.  The holidays have been particularly tough for me.  I missed my family, my friends, the feeling of the winter season.  I questioned my decision, I felt guilty, and I cried. A lot!  But, my mind has become tougher and my heart stronger along with it.  I allowed myself to feel that pain this season and sometimes I would just sit with it.  I told myself it’s good to have emotions of sadness because it shows you that you care.  You care about your family and your former home.  But it’s ok to be here, to be happy in this new place with new friends and your family only a phone call away.  I can do this, because I know it inside.  I’ve trained myself and developed that mental toughness that will help me through it.  And at the end of the day, just like my run, I’ll feel good because the pain is part of the process.  So instead of feeling those hard feelings of sadness and doubt and worry and thinking of them as bad, I’m choosing to reframe them.  They are good feelings even if they don’t feel good in the moment.

I think the pandemic has taught us all things that we needed to learn.  I know many others have gleaned insight or new habits or stronger minds as well.  I’m not a standout case.  I know so many people have suffered far worse than I have and my heart goes out to them more than I can explain.  My last thoughts are from a memory of a conversation I had with my dad.  I had asked him how I can help the world be a better place when I’m just one person.  He told me that all that I could do is be the best version of Lacy that I could be, and that would make a difference.  That advice has stuck with me every day of my life.  I have committed myself to being the best that I can be in various ways from reading self-help books to sharing my gifts with those around me.  I have felt very recently that one of my gifts, or at least strong suits is my writing.  So this year, instead of setting goals to be more fit or to accomplish a tangible thing, I aim to share one of my gifts with you. Whoever is reading this, I hope you can relate or glean something positive from it.  I encourage you to share your gift, whatever it may be, with the world as well.