The Next Chapter

The words written below were typed out in 2021 as we geared up to move across the county from my home state of Idaho, to South Florida.  I'm not sure why I never posted them, but as we prepare for another big life change, I find that they hold the same truth today:

I've been trying to think about how I wanted to announce this next chapter of our life. Because in a way, it almost seems like if you don't announce your big life changes on social media, it feels wrong. I've been fighting this feeling because I truly don't know why I feel the need to share the inner workings of my life or decisions with my social media audience. Honestly, I worry about the reactions I'll receive. The judgment that automatically comes along with someone reading something on the internet about myself. And it has me wondering, why? Why does our society depend on the approval of hundreds (or sometimes thousands, but not in my case) of vaguely familiar internet acquaintances? This goes for just about everything.  The announcement of a new job, family member, or in our case a move, is carefully thought out and announced to basic strangers on the internet. And for what? Do we crave the approval? Do we hope to make others envious? Do we want to inspire others to make similar decisions? Or do we just want to share something about our lives with the people we care about,  but don't always stay in close contact with? And if that's the case, should we try to reach out to them personally some other way? I really don't know. Part of me feels like people will wonder what happened and do some internet digging on their own to figure out what happened. They'll wonder why we didn't share such a big life decision with them and the rest of the world, and they'll come up with their own conclusions that may or may not be correct. In a way, I don't know anything other than to share my life choices with the internet. It is so programmed into myself and our culture that I've come to expect it and think it wrong for doing it a different way. 

On another note, this life choice has been a very difficult one for me, and one that wouldn't seem to make sense from an outsider's perspective. So a part of me fears the questions that will come along with the news. The probing into why I made a choice and how I'm going to make it work. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I'm making the best choice. It hasn't been made on a whim,  but at the same time the reasons behind it are difficult to explain.  The best reason I have is-- I felt called. The thought has lingered in the back of my mind for years and has slowly but steadily grown to the point where I could no longer ignore it. Logic has little influence on it and I can't entirely explain the need. How do you defend an idea like that to the internet world? One that picks apart the logic behind literally everything.  

Yet I still find myself feeling the need to say something. A hint or glimmer into the next chapter before everything looks different. Maybe I want to just say it for myself. I want to share something that makes me happy,  scared, worried,  and thrilled at the same time. Maybe I hope to find support from a mere stranger who has made a similar decision and came out the other side of it just fine. Maybe, I just don't want to feel alone with it anymore.  

Leaving Idaho to come to South Florida never really made much sense to me, or anyone else for that matter.  Why would we leave the comfort of 'home' and the support of having family nearby to start all over, in a place we'd never been and couldn't be further than the environments we'd lived in before?  There were many times in the past three years that  I woke up thinking, how in the world did I get here?  I was never able to pinpoint an exact answer for myself.  They say hindsight is 20/20, maybe that's true.  Coming out on the other side, I feel like I can finally see a clearer picture.

When we arrived in South Florida, I had no idea what to expect.  We were fresh out of a global pandemic with the taste still bitter in our mouths.  I had just come out of years of facing personal trauma and overcoming postpartum depression, which turned into regular depression, and was completely exhausted.  I remember the first week here, I slept 10 hours straight through the night without waking up for the first time in years.  It was like my body knew I was finally able to rest.  Since then, I have woken up every day with immense gratitude for having the opportunity to live in a place where my soul felt at peace. I've loved every bit of living here and had no problem soaking it all in. 

In our time here we have gone to the beach countless times, spent our days outside in the sun and nature, went on tropical adventures I used to dream about as a child, and met some of the most amazing people.  I took back my health both mentally and physically and felt the freedom of indulging in things just for myself again.  I read over 100 books, learned to speak Spanish, and went back to work where I accomplished some pretty cool things and gained an incredible work family.  I volunteered my time at our kids' school nearly every week both in and out of the classroom and started a book club with the moms from the school.  I threw themed parties, hosted many events, and went on vacations with family friends.  Through Tony's work we were able to go to a Miami Dolphins game, a Panther's hockey game, were guests on the Santa boat at the Fort Lauderdale Boat Parade, and attended a couple fun dress-up events!  Being so close to Orlando, we were able to visit the Disney World parks multiple times, Universal Studios, and Legoland.  Our house was my dream home--one that I never imagined I'd be lucky enough to live in, and I thoroughly enjoyed putting my stamp on it.  Everyday felt like a vacation.

If I had known what all was in store for me before we moved here, I don't think I would have been nearly as hesitant.  But I think the reason I felt called here, was that I needed this time to heal.  Why else would my Virgo, Type-A personality allow me to make such a "an irresponsible decision" (actual words spoken to me about my decision to leave Idaho) to leave stability and throw my family into uncharted waters?  

Please don't misunderstand, there have been struggles in our time here as well. Social media doesn't show the difficult things.  We've made sacrifices to live here--it has been lonely at times. We've had losses, financial stress,  illnesses and health scares. We basically hold our breath for the entirety of hurricane season, just hoping a storm doesn't come through and wreck us or our insurance doesn't drop us because it does.  We've made friends, we've lost friends. We've struggled to find consistent cohesive community.  

The answer to my big question:  I needed to find myself again.  I needed that space to heal and I am finally able to breathe again. Better yet, I finally feel confident in myself and my decisions. It has truly been a transformative experience. 

But alas, not all good things are meant to last.  I think I always knew that we wouldn't be able to stay here long term.  Maybe I was willingly oblivious to the signs, or I just plain didn't care about them.  I simply wanted to enjoy it while I had it.  It's not news to most people that South Florida is one of the most expensive places to live in the US.  Nor should it be surprising when I say that our proximity to Ft. Lauderdale and Miami exposes us to some pretty uncomfortable safety concerns.  And I would be lying if I said we weren't thoroughly culture-shocked when we first got here.  Despite all of those things, it was still a work transfer that ultimately made the decision for us to leave.  I was willing to dismiss all those other concerns for the sake of holding on to the joy I've gained from living here.  

In March, Amazon announced a nationwide restructuring plan that effectively eliminated hundreds of jobs from the field, leading Tony to scramble to find a new position.  Unfortunately, there weren't many (if any) options for us to stay in South Florida without him needing to go backward in his career.  We were faced with the decision to find something else locally or look for a job transfer.  

Tony has always had a nose for opportunity.  Whether it be homes, cars, or jobs, he has a knack for sniffing out the right opportunity at the right time.  This time his nose led us to a decision to move to St. Augustine, Fl.  He accepted a job in a different line of business within Amazon, and they offered to move us one more time.  Our extensive research of the area and my desperate desire to stay in Florida near the sea have us feeling really optimistic about this next chapter. 

Which leads us here.  Now. With an empty house except for some folding chairs, air mattresses and suitcases.  We've said our farewells, the kids finished their school year out, and we've sent our things ahead of us to our new home.  

The kids are doing surprisingly well with the news.  We've made sure to include them in the entire process; letting them know our reasons for needing to move again, answering their questions, hearing their opinions and worries, and taking them house hunting with us and allowing them to give us their input on the neighborhoods and houses.  Through it all, they've been amazing and they're ready for the next adventure.  Tony is always ready for a new adventure, so he has been the driving force behind this move.  He has taken on so much responsibility--more so than ever before, because I simply couldn't get myself to let go yet.  

I won't go into detail just how difficult this time has been for me.  My heart feels sore from being broken up about it.  I've been in a sort of numb state for the last few months and have struggled to accept it. But I've finally made peace with the decision and am ready to move forward.  I'm trusting my instincts and the Universe and am ready to begin again. 

I will say this--

South Florida will always hold a very special place in my heart.  It is the place that healed me from my darkest days and filled me up with so much gratitude and hope for the future, that I am now confident I can handle whatever lies ahead of me. 

To all the beautiful souls who shared this time with me here, I hope you know how much you've touched my life.  I am forever grateful for you.

Cheers to the next chapter in my personal story, the last one was so. so good.