Back to Work

I wrote this post a couple weeks back in anticipation of transitioning into a new phase of life: Going Back to Work.  I have been a stay stay-at-home parent for the last six years and finally felt ready, both emotionally and logistically, to go back to work in person.  But even though I knew I was ready, I was also very nervous and sort of sad about my time as a SAHM was wrapping up.  So I decided I needed a pep talk, and who better to give me one that the one who casts the most doubt--me. 

If we celebrated moms going back to work, like we do kids going back to school, it might look something like this:

I’ve always been a fan of celebrating life’s big milestones.  This one may seem trivial to some, but it's a big deal for me and any other parent who has spent time away from work to be at home with kids.  I can relate the feelings I'm having to the ones I had when I went off to college.  Am I ready?  Will people like me?  What if I can’t handle it?  How am I going to manage it all?  The butterfly nerves in my belly feel very similar to those of a brand-new young adult, leaving home for the first time.  Now, I feel like a brand new older adult mom, leaving her babies for the first time.  It’s weird.  And scary.  And exciting. 

I’ve spent the last 6 years at home full-time with my kids.  In that time, we moved three times from one end of the country to the other--and then back again.  I went back to school to get my bachelor's degree, and occasionally dabbled in something here and there that would bring in a minuscule amount of income.  From making custom t-shirts to writing freelance, to even trying out a work-from-home event planning job.  Some of them fulfilled my need to feel worthy, but mostly they just took up my time and stressed me out.  See, being a parent is a full-time gig in the first place, so adding anything on top of it is just fuel to the fire, and most of it just didn’t seem worthy enough to take up the extra space. 

When I started the journey of stay-at-home motherhood, I figured it would be pretty temporary.  I never intended to stay home for long and would be surprised if I told my younger self that I wouldn’t go back for a total of 6 years after I left for good.  Even after Tucker was born and I worked part-time at local country clubs, I figured I would continue to work in some capacity after the initial infanthood passed.  But I soon discovered that life doesn’t suddenly slow down and get more manageable once kids are potty trained and can speak in understandable sentences.  In fact—it just gets busier once they begin school.  And from what I can see now, it will continue to get busier in different ways as they grow older.

Which is why it was so difficult to know when it was time to head back into the workforce.  I thought that I would just suddenly know that it was time.  I didn’t realize that I had to choose it, and then convince myself it was time.  Even now, as I write this, I’m wondering if it’s the right time.  My daughter will soon be in kindergarten, but we have one more summer before she starts.  I find myself wondering; am I giving up this precious time selfishly?  Maybe one more year would suffice?  But in my gut, I know there will never be a perfect time. 

When my kids go off to school, or try something new for the first time, I’m always telling them: You’ve got this.  You’re ready.  I know it’s scary to try something new, but sometimes the best things are scary.  You can handle it.  You’re going to do awesome stuff! I’ll be right here for you.

Sometimes you need someone else to believe in you, so that you can believe in yourself.  That’s what we’re here to do for our kids.  But what happens when it’s the parent needing bolstering?  My husband can attest to the turmoil I faced when it came to making the decision to go back.  As always, he’s been my cheerleader in everything I do and supported and encouraged me to go.  When I told my kids about the potential of me starting to work, they were nervous and had some questions.  But once they knew that mommy wasn’t going away all day and that I’d still be here for most of their days, they were on board.  Actually, they both jumped with joy and excitement when I gave them the news that I had been offered the job.  It may not have been the eloquent and articulated pep talk I give to them, but their excitement and energy were all the encouragement that I needed to pull the trigger.

But as I write this, the feelings of anxiety and nervousness still linger.  I worry that I won’t be able to hack it.  That it’ll end up like so many of the other “little” jobs that I tried over the years and not work out. 

And I guess that could happen.  I could go and it could not work out and I’d have to look for something different.  But I think the main thing is: I overcame the obstacle to try.  To believe in myself and the stability of our family to give it a shot.  To face the fear of failure and push through. 

So.  Here’s my pep talk to myself, and to anyone else in the same boat as me.

You’ve got this.  You’re ready.  Your kids are ready.  You can handle whatever comes your way.  You can problem-solve to overcome obstacles. You’re going to do great things.

Happy first day of work mama. 

Now let's hear it for the most exciting part of it all-the chance to use my wardrobe!